Showing posts with label Cinema Turkeys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cinema Turkeys. Show all posts

Once more a frantic pilot radios in a report on a UFO. A bird. A bird as big as a Battleship!



With Thanksgiving Day upon us I have decided to serve up a little cinematic turkey of my own. I would be willing to bet that no one reading this could find a better 'turkey' than Fred Sears 1957 dud entitled 'The Giant Claw.'

Over the decades 'Claw' has reached a unique place in cinematic lore thanks in most part to its laughable monster, a monster so ridiculous looking that it never once appeared in any of the films advertising, a monster so lame that even the movies cast never saw the design during filming, a monster so goofy looking that the audience broke out in laughter every time it appeared on screen.

In other words monster so cheesy that Ed Wood must have stayed awake at night wishing he had thought of it first.

Yes boys and girls the monster in this film is a puppet. I know that throughout the history of monster films puppets have been used very effectively as a cheap alternative to expensive and time consuming stop-motion models in such films as 'The Land That Time Forgot' and 'Godzilla.' This puppet however was not of that quality. This was actually a marionette that looked like it belonged in a 'Punch and Judy' show at a carnival.

Nuff said.....

The actual movie itself isn't too terrible. It is probably no worse than any of the other giant monster flicks that were churned out at the time including 'Black Scorpion', 'The Deadly Mantis' and 'The Monster That Challenged The World.' The only problem is there is no way to get around the monster. It is so distractingly bad that after you see the film you can't remember anything else about it.

Honestly, you watch the movie and see if I'm not right?

I used to see this film all the time when I was young on an afternoon movie program that aired in Albuquerque, New Mexico called 'Dialing for Dollars.' The film was usually aired during a week of programing that featured other campy monster films like Roger Corman's 'Attack of the Crab Monsters' and 'Green Slime.' Once and a while the film would be mixed in during a week of Japanese monster films even though it is an American film. I have fond memories of 'The Giant Claw' even though it is a real stinker. I suppose the film had something to do with nurturing my love of 'less than stellar' movies.


The Plot:

When electronics engineer Mitch MacAfee spots a UFO as "big as a battleship," from his plane, the Air Force scrambles planes to investigate. However, nothing shows up on radar, and one of the jets is lost during the action. MacAfee is regarded as a dangerous crackpot until other incidents and disappearances convince the authorities that the threat is real. Some believe it is a French-Canadian folk legend come to life, but it turns out to be an extraterrestrial giant bird composed of anti-matter whose disregard for human life and architecture threatens the world.

This One Is 100% Certified Cinematic Turkey!


Gen. Van Buskirk: Three men reported they saw something. Two of them are now dead.

Mitch MacAfee: That makes me Chief Cook and Bottle Washer in a one-man Bird Watcher's Society!



We are already dead. We are Robot Jox!



In the age of 'Robotech', 'Tranzor Z', and the lasting appeal of Mattel's 'Shogun Warriors' came 'Robot Jox' a movie about giant robots and the men (and women) who love them. Well, in actuality it was a movie about the men (and women) who were forced to pilot giant mechs in combat against each other in order to solve the worlds conflicts.

On the outside 'Robot Jox' sounded like it would be one super cool movie. Giant robots locked in combat in the fashion of the popular 'Battletech' board game played out in full cinematic glory.

This is going to be great!

Uh-Oh SpaghettiOs! What is this? A film so boring that you wished you were back at home watching 'Tranzor Z.' How can a movie with giant robots fighting each other be such a snoozer? How can you screw that up? It's 'Rocky' with robots for crying out loud!

The makers of 'Real Steel' ... I'm looking out of the corner of my eye at you.

Somehow film makers Stuart Gordon and the Band brothers (Charles and Albert) figured out how and not learning from their mistakes, went on to produce a series of giant robot films for the home video market. Those films ended up being so unmemorable that they aren't even listed on IMDB.


Here is your plot:

50 years after a nuclear war, the two superpowers handle territorial disputes in a different way. Each fields a giant robot to fight one-on-one battles in official matches, each piloted by a man inside, known as robot jockeys or jox. The contest for possession of Alaska will be fought by two of the best. The conscientious Achilles fights for the Americans. Opposing him is a Russian, Alexander, a ruthless and bloodthirsty adversary who has killed his previous nine American opponents. With a traitor feeding the Russians secret weapons information and new, genetically-engineered jox looking to take his place, Achilles faces obstacles at every turn in the hardest battle of his life. - IMDB

This One Is 100% Certified Cinematic Turkey!


Achilles: You're making my beer curdle.
Alexander: And you make my drink taste like blood.

Where did he do it? Not here, I hope.



It is given fact that some the greatest comedies of all time have come from the creative genius of film maker Mel Brooks. 'Blazing Saddles', 'Young Frankenstein', 'History of the World: Part 1' are just a couple of examples of this comedic genius and each is a true cinematic classic in their own right. That being said in 1991 Brooks asked the question 'What is funny about being pour and homeless?' and the answer turned out to be 'nothing.' After such a long string of hits the man behind 'Sheriff Bart' and 'Hedley Lamarr' dropped a bomb onto the cinematic landscape known as "Life Stinks" a film which unlike any of his prior efforts failed to garnish many laughs or connect with his numerous fans. It would seem that the only people who may have identified with the theme of the film unfortunately couldn't afford a ticket and it failed.

That last bit was a joke ....

Here is the plot:

A rich businessman makes a bet he can survive on the streets of a rough Los Angeles neighborhood for 30 days completely penniless. During his stay he discovers another side of life and falls in love with with a homeless woman. - Written by John Sacksteder

This One Is 100% Certified Cinematic Turkey!


Newscaster: ...the ceremony has erupted into pandemonium. As of yet, I'm not exactly sure what's happening...
Fumes: [snatching the mike] This is Fumes, reporting from downtown, and I'll tell you what's happenin'. The rich and famous are having a party in our neighborhood, and we fucked it up! Ha Ha!
[winks]
Fumes: Back to you, Walter...
Newscaster: Is this going out live? Are we live? Oh, jeez...


Oh, Gwendoline, making love to a man is much easier than fighting five guards with your hands tied behind your back!


Today we are continuing on with our list of cinematic 'turkeys' in honor of Thanksgiving with a little film that even a hundred naked women couldn't save 'The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak'. Yes this movie which rolled onto the scene way back in 1984 has everything that this spry young teenage boy would want to see in a movie, action, bondage, Tawny Kitaen, hundreds of women in tight leather outfits, topless cat fights, and boobs boobs and more boobs. Alas, none of these things could save this movie. I can still remember thinking to myself, 'Oh my God, why did she have to take her top off?'. You really never want a fourteen-year-old perpetually horny male to be so bored by a movie that he doesn't even want to see breasts  anymore. Yet that is exactly what happened. Even my best friend who was a bigger perv than me got tired of the endless parade of jiggling flesh. NOW THAT'S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING!


Here is your plot ... yes this movie has a plot, though I couldn't really remember it:

Gwendoline arrives in China in a box, and is helped out of her immediate predicament by a female contact and a devil-may-care adventurer. She's on a mission to find her father, who was last seen searching for a rare butterfly in the Land of the Yik Yak. They confront the evil Cheops in an attempt to find Gwen's lost father and the butterfly, and face many other challenges to their mission. - Written by Ed Sutton

This One Is 100% Certified Cinematic Turkey!


(Willard, Beth and Gwendoline are tied up at the Cheops's encampment)

Willard: Gwendoline, have you ever made love?
Gwendoline: No.
Willard: I can't let you die without making love. Here, move as close as you can.