A Millenial Reviews: ‘Star Trek’ Is a Blatant, Boring Rip-Off of ‘Star Wars’

This is so funny. A must read!

Set phasers to problematic.

If you follow me on social media then you know how I feel about science (I Fucking Love It). I’ve seen Blackfish six times, twice in 3-D. I regularly share studies about how “they” “discovered” that my liver-crushing alcohol addiction and frequent masturbation habit actually means I’m a genius. I start every sentence of every argument with the phrase “they did a study that proves…” without reading any of the actual study I’m citing. Hell I don’t even read the article most of the time. The real scientific truth is all in the headlines these days. Digital media companies know that you’re busy Uber-ing and Blue Apron-ing your Prince-grieving twenty-something ass all over the place 24 hours a day and you don’t have time to read the boring data involved in these things, so they stuff all the truth in the headline so you can Go-Gurt that knowledge right into your head while razor scootering across the Williamsburg Bridge like a millennial Bon Jovi.

I’m always talking about science because I’m a HUGE nerd. I LOVE Star Wars, and I’m like the only person I know that does. When I walk into the club with my R2-D2 iPhone 6S phone case and my Supreme Leader Snook Chuck Taylors on, they let me into the VIP room where I drink from a limited edition Dom Perignon bottle shaped like C-3PO’s head. What I’m trying to say is that I’m a total loser and an outcast. I get what it’s like to feel alone because I’ve been bravely declaring my love of things like Star Wars and comic books since 2012, when I discovered them. 2012 was a harrowing year, I’d wake up every day as a scared 6-foot-tall 25 year old adult man and I’d never know if some jocks were going to break into my apartment and beat me up for liking the most popular cultural symbols of all time. People don’t understand how brave I am. I’ve tried strapping a GoPro to my head and filming myself walking around so you guys can see how oppressed I am on a daily basis but every time I do this I just end up getting laid and accidentally making POV porn. The struggle is real.

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